grow up!

it's been so long since i've looked at my blog, but i'm up at 3am on a worknite, watching the final round of the US open, where tiger woods is 1 shot off the lead, playing in the final group, and where everyone else is also in the chase... it's a good time to update!

this has been a crazy weekend. last week at work turned out to be busier than i thought - but it all culminated in the all nite prayer on friday at church, where i only managed to 3:30am. but i got home, tried to watch some us open (i know - leave the prayer meeting for golf?)... actually - i was tired, but fell asleep pretty much as the round started anyway. eventually getting up at 9:45, started cooking for 180, thinking it would only take a few hours, but ended up going pretty much to 4... but i think it turned out real well - the ma family specialty of 'chasiu chow mi-fun', or chinese bbq pork fried rice vermicelli noodles! :)

180 was awesome. i realized one thing this weekend as i was watching vine news. i'm so immature. my buddy joe did this thing for the vine coffee club nite, where he stuck this silly picture of me. see, it's this evening of discussion w/a group of panelists from the finance industry. you got all this industry bigwigs, founder of this and that, big exec dude from hsbc and standard chartered, and them me. the funny bit was they all got these proper pics, professional, suited, cool smiles, and stuff that you could stick in the economist magazine stuff. then you get me - a silly pic while sitting in the JR (train) in japan, just coming back from a wedding, and linnet and i taking turns looking dumb for the camera... it just really looked out of place.

so that got me wondering - what the heck am i doing w/my life? i mean - sometimes i really wanna be that mature, serious, professional guy. but most of the time, i just don't. i don't want to be anything near that 'suit person'. i'm not even sure my personality fits that profile. i just don't think i'm ever going to get to the point where i could take myself that seriously. i'm in an industry that essentially makes a ton of money for managing other people's money, and you got guys like me that are paid well to tell them how much they made. sometimes people aren't content w/being told they made 15% in the year 2006 in just a plain piece of paper and even giving them an account balance or something. they need to have it in a powerpoint, with bar and pie charts, and return tables, and writing out that 15% into a full sentence, and of course, add in a few bullet points of 'points'... so there in a nutshell lies my livelihood. i've often wondered where my value added in the whole chain of life is.

but you know - i believe that God has put me where i'm at. why?, i have no idea. today, as i was doing sound in church, the dude next to me, watching that same bit of vine news and the vine coffee club, says something like 'wat a load of crock! you got all the greedy bankers in one place talking about God and the workplace!' i kinda ignored the comment, as he was either being facetious or he really doesn't understand the point of the nite. i mean - is he implying that just because i'm a christian i shouldn't consider working in the finance industry? or does he forget that our senior pastor also comes from the finance background?

anyhow - the point is - i'm always wondering if this job is it... it's weird cuz this is the type of industry where one could just do well if you stay where you are for a number of years and do your job - it's called "career". but the higher up one goes, i'm also assuming that there are more responsibilities. that means that you have to be a better example to your staff. but as i look at all the seniority at my firm, i'm just wondering if i want that. i mean, who doesn't want to have that kind of material success? who works just for the sake of working? who doesn't like promotions? ok, so i confess i want all of that. but what i don't want is to compromise my person. i'm not even speaking integrity-wise, as that should be a given. what i don't want is to become like those stiff, boring, cookie-cut people who eat, sleep, live, breathe... WORK. peter pan said it best - 'i won't grow up'!

so herein lies the issue. can i make my way around, keeping with who i am? do i have to play the game? mold myself into that cookie cutter? people respect that? well - i say screw 'em all (if i can say that at all?). altho i'm fast approaching 40, i feel like i have the mindset of a 20 year old. ok, maybe 25? no, i can't ever see myself wearing slacks and tucked-in polos, with colored socks and loafers. maybe i'll break this traditional mold. maybe i'll never make it. maybe i'm destined for middle management my whole life. is that so bad?

which is probably where work and career hits the christian road for me. work to me is less about the work, and more about that people. i would love to see everyone saved. i would love to lead the staff not in business, but life. i just believe that God placed me with the primary job description being - 'love your staff, and show them what being a child of God means'. matt 5:16 says "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." so to me, that means - don't play the corporate game, and be like everyone else, trampling on each other and back-stabbing to get up that ladder. be faithful, and let god take care of everything else... and i just have to believe that HE WILL honor that word, as long as i'm faithful to that role. it's not that easy, definitely not as easy as telling clients how much they made last year!

anyway - at the end of the day, i feel that i'm just trying to justify my desire for casual day... everyday... in the workplace. i hate suits... i hate ties... so that still brings me back to that dumb picture. when i'm 40, i'll still be 25...

at this time, tiger just missed a short birdie on the 14th, and is 3 strokes behind the lead. not sure if he can pull this off w/so many tuff holes... 6:17am... another 2 hrs n i gotta go to work... good thing it's holiday tomorrow!!!! zzzzzzzzz