the burger king and i

so.... i've just spent another holiday full of holiday cheer, eating, hanging w/the fams, and watching 24 non-stop for hours upon hours. getting back into the thick of the work thang is taking time - how i yearn for the days when i was not-so-employed, spending my days lazing, watching tv, EATING, napping, EATING, occassionally coming out to the city, EATING... all with absolutely no responsibility. God has been good to me that way, as i been pretty much working for 8 years non-stop (including b-school lah)... so i really did need time where there were no deadlines, no people, no management, no responsibility, no agenda... yeah, and no moolah. i guess now that things have reverted to 'the norm', my perception is that the grass really is greener on the other side!

however - my mind the past 3 weeks of the new year has been how i'm choosing to spend my time... altho work takes a good chunk of time, i'm wondering if it's more self-initiated rather than out of necessity. i love work, so i don't feel as tho it's all that imposing. my prayers du jour have been more on how i'm choosing to invest my time. the more i been asking God, the more He's been leading me to greater commitment. i think i've just been resisting the call more due to my own worries about job n money n stability. coming from a past of making tons of dough as an investment banker/money manager - i've learned so much about managing other people's money... but very little about managing my own, and finding that balance. i've learned how pride can befall the proud - and in turn, lost much money in the process - my own more than those of other people's, unfortunately. then i came to the Lord, and learned to balance that life. it's more than just the personal-professional relationship and dynamic... and more than the penny earned-penny saved-penny tithed relationship dynamic... from that point, to put it simply, it was learning to trust God - to place your needs with Him (and let Him make the amendments to that!)... to seek professional excellence by following and applying His ways... to strive for personal fulfillment of God's promises by keeping to His Word. and somehow, fine tuning that 'life' into something that's balanced and glorifying to God. that is something i had forgotten in the past year of sloth and indulgence. it's funny, cause i'm a fairly highly trained finance guy, managed hundred million dollars, done even bigger deals with big corporate companies, responsible for the lives of a handful of people, but yet - somehow it gets lost upon myself personally when it comes to application to me... either that, or i find it so inapplicable to my own life regarding the same issues.

the past week, God really spoke to my heart on these issues. i've sorta gotten my finances back in order - from the absolute mess it was in before... i've committed to keeping myself orderly and disciplined at work (altho i'm typing this at my desk as i ... uh.. type - but LUNCH TIME!!).... and most importantly, i've opened my heart to God's calling. and from that, i don't feel as stressed (if that's the word for it) over the monetary issues.. i'm still a bit intimidated by the work task that's before me, but that's a good thing cause it pushes me towards excellence and will feel all that much better when i overcome it.... and i've gained a new vision on where God wants my ministry to lead. it's funny how a bit of worry and concern can completely distract your mind. i been so blessed by having so much education and experience (both spiritual and secular, i guess), but then in a time of tribulation, it happens to go out the window, and my brain impulses start firing in a zillion different directions. i guess it's a good thing now to start putting the training to use, not for me, but for the "Higher Calling that is in Christ Jesus!".

this all came out of: first, my conversation with God, talking about my life and my future and my direction... which took me to a conversation with dpma about leadership and commitment... which took me to a conversation (today, actually) w/my colleague about balance between professionalism and personal.... which led me to my conversation with a mesh of plastic, wires, silicon, wafer boards, and a bit of glass that somehow functions as the window to my soul.

dunno.... philosophically speaking, i was victorious today. after a meeting out at the airport, i somehow managed to resist the temptation of going to burger king for a whopper, chicken sammich, and onion rings. the devil has no hold on meeeeeeeeeeee!