commitment

i've had 3 long hard weeks of thinking/praying bout life and where i am in it - pretty much right thru the holidays and my south beach diet. it's been a real tough latter half of the year. altho i still contend that i am the most blessed man on earth, i've struggled with my sense of just plain being. i've realized and accepted that it's just a biproduct of my upbringing, where i've moved every 2-4 years - living all over the world... some might call that exciting or even a blessing in itself. i wouldn't discount that, nor would i fully dismiss it - but i will say that it has ingrained a transient sense and expectation in my psyche. it's not negative per sey - i mean - i've learned much thruout those times about people - making new friends, how to deal with new environments, and overall just comfortable with packing up and re-rooting somewhere else. or even better - having a lack of roots. i don't know very many people from my 'young' days anymore, and there's no one with whom i could say 'we grew up together'... well, family friends aside that is. the longest place i've ever been consecutively is indonesia, where i almost made 4 1/2 years - and that was as a professional, well into or past my formative years.

so where does that leave me? i was having a hard time accepting that i might be back in hk for good... i was not fully unpacked despite being in my apt for over 4 months. i refused to do simple things like build this new tv stand my bro got us for christmas. i didn't wanna commit to work fully cause i wasn't sure if i was gonna leave the next year. i didn't even want to commit to the church cause i was so 'sure' that i was gonna uproot and leave. it was a tough struggle with God over the holidays to dispel myself of these notions. it was even tougher to accept His will - that i would be here for the long term. that i'm here in hk for a purpose now. that i'm done globetrotting...

this book i just finished, xenocide, by orson scott card - it's probably the best series EVER... it's the 3rd installment of the ender series, starting with the best book of them all, ender's game. anyway - our protagonist, ender wiggin, has been planet hopping for 3000 years, never staying put in any one place - therefore cheating time, and seemingly living soooo long thru the relativity of travelling at lightspeed. well - i'm not exactly planet hopping, nor travelling at lightspeed, but i am ditching every place i go. read between the lines, that's saying that i didn't need to establish any sort of responsibility at any juncture of my life/career, b/c if i'm not going to be there in a year, no matter what i do, i have my out and to hell with the rest of the world. that's not to say i wasn't responsible - but knowing that you are in a position to rock the boat (more for good than bad) w/out too much consequence to self is a pretty liberating proposition. it's like if you know u'r soooperman, then it makes bein a cop and chasin bad guys all the more simple and riskless. i gotta say it was easier to be bold and outspoken in them days. at the end of it all, even the nomadic ender settled in one place - even tho he struggled with the idea of 'normalcy', and experiencing first hand the long term consequences of his actions and decisions... that's where i am now. ready to plant, and ready to sow. ready to commit - not to new life in hk, not to job, not to people... but to God. He will always be my first and foremost. and if i am tru to Him, then natrually, my life will be just as focused in all my endeavors. andy g speaking on the meaning of commitment was well timed... he wasn't just speaking to the 2 new pastors - he was also speaking to me. i love the term - the point of total commitment - where God has taken me to now.

well - now that that's settled, i guess i can go back to the south beach. even as i type it, i'm eating a praline scone from starbux. yuuuummmmmmmmm... commitment... blech...